so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
