In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
