How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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