WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
