none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
