All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
