Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
