my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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