I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
