I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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