I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
