I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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