Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
