I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
