ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
