Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
