my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
