New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
