just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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