cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
