why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
