Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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