After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
