So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
