It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
