At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
