Nicole vs. Life
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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