i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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