be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
