I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
