There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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