My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
