I bet he comes in French.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
