Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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