happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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