chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
