So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
