Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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