smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i came on her dog
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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