I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Randomize