Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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