I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
