how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ladies don't puke and tell
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
