It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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