piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
