Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Randomize
