He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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