Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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