I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
