I will die if light touches me.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
