He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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