normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
