I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
