Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
