i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
