I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
