Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I need a beard to bite.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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