I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
