There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
