i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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