its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
