I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
