Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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