Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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