does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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