Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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